Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Difference Between Liking and Wanting

In a culture so laden with advertising and sex, body image issues are an ever-present concern. Most people have, at some point or another, been on a diet as a result. Usually people complain about how much they hate the food and wish they could just grab a slice of cheesecake or bowl of icecream, but keep eating the sub-par food to lose weight.

I've been exploring BDSM for nearly half my life (and bondage for well over half), and one of the most frustrating things I've ever come across is people's general inability to distinguish between an act and a dynamic. Masochism is defined as "gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others," so some confusion is at least understandable.

Although I identify as almost entirely submissive, I have a wildly sadistic side that comes out fairly frequently. As a result I'm able to run scenarios through my head from both perspectives to gain insight into how things might affect me. One of my favorite things to do is use this duality to "shoot myself in the foot" by telling potential Doms about things I'll know will genuinely unpleasant to me at the time it happens.

This is where the annoyance comes in. Because of the prevalence of masochism, I get accused of being a pushy bottom who's only trying to make a scene more enjoyable for himself, as though I'm sneaking things I will secretly enjoy into a scene for my own benefit. In these instances it was presented as though it were a treat which should be withheld to prevent me from enjoying the scene too much. If the only possibility for pain were masochism, corporal punishment would be nonexistent.

I speak of this frustration as a sub, but being able to distinguish between liking something and wanting it to occur is paramount for both Doms and subs. Essentially, think of it as a diet: just because you want a more fit physique doesn't mean you enjoy the food you have to eat to get there. A sub who wishes to communicate ideas to a Dom so as to put themselves in greater peril is not necessarily doing so to get themselves off faster. Something self-sacrificing to benefits the D/s dynamic, which benefits BOTH parties and should be encouraged rather than looked down upon.

I say a sub who can publish a top-10 list of things that will piss them off or make them absolutely miserable mid-scene has more balls than one who just wants a simple scene where they aren't pushed.

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