Moving On

This blog is, and always will be, primarily a kink blog. That being said, community is an important part of kink and this year has been inundated with loss for many. I thought hard about whether or not to post this, not wanting to change the tone of the blog again, but I’m hoping that doing so will either bring fond memories of someone who passed or a hopeful thought for a way forward. Feel free to keep scrolling if you’re not in search of either.

The Follies of Binary Identities

I’ll be perfectly honest: gender identity confuses the fuck out of me. I’m a cisgendered, homosexual male, so virtually everything about my sexuality is centered around male energy and, of course, male genitalia. While understanding the nuances and struggles that come from being transgendered are well beyond my grasp, there are certain aspects I feel I can relate to. As a homosexual, I can relate to negative responses when an individual becomes aware of my sexual orientation. These reactions, in my personal experience, have ranged from immediately expressing disapproval to explosive anger which can potentially escalate to violence. If you take one thing away from this post remember that, specifically for transwomen, this reveal can not only jeopardize their safety but directly endanger their lives. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Try an ignorant, heterosexual male feeling like someone just deliberately "tricked him into bein a fuckin faggot." However wrong the sentiment may be, the resulting rage can literally be deadly.

So far as I can tell, it seems like where most confusion about gender starts is that sexual attraction tends to be more resultant of physical gender expression as opposed to a person’s sex, despite the composition of the term. For most people attraction can start with someone’s face, their physique, or even their style. Additionally, in most situations where we experience attraction to new people, genitals tend to be an assumption rather than a direct part of the attraction. For a staggeringly large percentage of the population this can be confusing, as the physical manifestation of their attraction (i.e.: sex) necessitates having the appropriate genitals. If all you want is to get fucked, it’s somewhat natural to have trouble being attracted to someone who does not have the biological means to do so.

What’s misunderstood about attraction is that, when it’s allowed to be, it’s absolutely raw; it doesn’t have caveats or qualifiers, it just is. We try to affix reason or draw logical conclusions about it, but if attraction wasn’t raw and unadulterated a heterosexual male could never unknowingly find himself attracted to a convincing drag queen, nor would we have any Kinsey 1’s or 5’s. For most people sexuality is a fairly large part of their identity, and when you feel something directly contrary to how you perceive yourself it can be incredibly unsettling. Homosexuals who didn’t have the good fortune to recognize their orientation very early in life are likely all too familiar with this: that feeling when a guy got your gears turning for the first time. It didn’t fit what we were supposed to do or feel, but it felt good and we wanted to go on the adventure that attraction promised.

The interesting thing that happens with homosexuals is that we find a way to essentially mimic a biological impulse despite our physicality. I don’t particularly lust for penetrative sex but as a whole our brains are still largely programmed for it (give it a few more centuries); in gay dynamics we end up having anal sex to create a receptive partner or lesbians often use implements to allow for a similar means of penetration. What's important to understand here is that, where homosexuality is concerned, we find ways to express attraction despite our bodies sometimes lacking the means to do so in the most conventional way. We have acknowledged that our attraction is not only real and legitimate but acceptable, and we will find ways to express and explore it.

Understanding gender as anything but a binary can be difficult, given that for many people a fluid model does not fit their experience. People are very quick to be impatient with those who can’t grasp the concept but the fact is that, statistically, sex is largely binary and this will instinctively shape one's perception of gender. It is unfair to expect someone to change their view of gender when they may not have met anyone who is intersex or might not even know that such a thing exists. Bear in mind this is by no means condoning mistreatment of trans persons or an unwillingness to learn, simply a call to understand how incredibly counterintuitive nonbinary gender identity is to a large swath of the population. A perceived binary system can only be broken by calling attention to outliers: when you’re talking about a small percentage of the general population, it can take quite some time for someone to experience enough outliers to see a spectrum instead of a dichotomy.

If you find yourself having trouble comprehending how someone can be an outlier to a certain (supposed) binary, substitute one you’re more familiar with. The logistics of how outliers will interact within the system will always be different, but if you can find commonalities it will help unearth some of those nuances. For me, looking at gender through the lens of the ever-so-prevalent Dom vs. sub binary was hugely helpful. By and large there is considerable pressure to align oneself with either identity, to the extent that someone who identifies as primarily Dom may be chastised for submitting to someone who brings out that side in them - this bears similarities to males being taunted for expressing feminine qualities. Within D/s dynamics, I have seen and felt these attractions myself and have witnessed both “100%” Doms and subs switch roles as a result. As a Kinsey 6, it is virtually impossible for me to imagine wanting to have sex with a woman, the same way someone who is exclusively Dom may not be able to imagine what subbing would entail for them. The logistics of how that interaction could play out is simply not something I can even process due to my limited sexual experience with women, which makes it difficult to consider. Despite this, as I think about those 100% Doms/subs I’ve seen switch, I see that they had the strength to pursue their desires despite the confines of others defining their identity. They also likely didn’t understand the logistics involved with the situations they were putting themselves in, and still elected to allow attraction to steer. Finding a connection with someone is beautiful, and when we concern ourselves with what these chance occurrences mean about us we reduce the chances of even being able to feel them in the first place.

Gender is easily the most prevalent, steadfast binary that is present in our culture. Homosexuality vs. heterosexuality is still significant one, but we’ve at least made some progress in carving out space for bisexuals to exist and drive it towards becoming a proper spectrum. Additionally, the stigmatized link between sexuality and behavior has been greatly weakened in recent years; most people are now substantially less shocked when they find someone who presents as masculine while identifying as a homosexual. Unlike sexuality, gender-based assumptions are present in nearly every action we take: from how we walk, to how we sit, to how we eat, to how we express ideas, people have implicit expectations that stem from a person’s perceived gender. It’s reasonable that some might have a difficult time changing how they think about something so immersive, and it begs a modicum of patience as someone unlearns stereotypes that have been imposed upon them as well since before they were born.

As we continue to move forward with gender transitioning from a binary system to something more fluid, there are going to be logistical complications. Some of them will be frustrating, and some will require a great deal of conscious effort but there is no way around this with any form of social change. Currently many people are having issues properly using pronouns because they don’t understand their importance; it’s hard to understand what it’s like to have your identity called into question around every corner when your identity fits within a binary. A tweet recently showed up in my feed that said “Reminder that cis people will apologize for misgendering a dog but not a trans person.” This is indicative of an overwhelming attitude that says “Ugh .. why should I have to work on changing this when it’s your problem?” Essentially, cisgendered persons are less likely to be or be impacted by misgendering, making it incredibly selfish to tell someone that they aren’t worth the energy it takes to be more considerate simply because direct benefit is not seen.

It’s worth noting that gender isn’t the only binary that can be harmful to an individual’s mental health. We, as humans, want to see patterns and make sense of things; there’s a reason some of us see Jesus in slices of toast. When we instinctively create binaries to suit this need they tend to be imbalanced which can lead to a number of faulty assumptions. Even without one half being elevated, a binary system tells people that picking a side and towing that line is more important than doing what they feel is right for themselves. This doesn't just apply to sex, it can apply to politics, economics, platonic relationships, etc: binaries directly oppose autonomy, and this limits our ability to have unique ideas or expressions. If you are cisgendered and want to look at this a completely selfish way, breaking the gender binary can have long-term benefits for you. Our culture is presently weighted to see things in binaries, and as any individual continues to see more and more how flawed these systems of classification are, it becomes more natural and intuitive to avoid them in the future. To put it more succinctly: this isn’t just about gender, it’s about empowering individuals to be themselves which benefits everyone.

We’ve got a lot of work to do, and these narrow-minded systems are causing harm. Even with sexuality shifting towards more of a spectrum than a binary, homosexuals are still between 2-4 times more likely to attempt suicide than the general population. For transpersons this rate is closer to 15 times, which amounts to a 41% attempted suicide rate. It’s easy to simplify this and look at the worst-case scenario, but for every person attempting suicide there are several others just struggling with something as simple as trying to be happy. Whether it’s bottom-shaming, using the wrong pronoun, or judging a friend for switching roles, these actions cause very real harm. With a little bit of conscious effort, you can stop yourself before trying to box someone into a binary. This isn’t some pie in the sky perfect world ideology, it’s something you can do in your daily life that will make a significant difference to those you surround yourself with. When it comes to respecting others’ willingness to be outliers in a binary system, a little respect can go a very long way.

Pup Play Photos

So naturally pup play's been on the mind a lot lately. I figured if I'm going to yammer on incessantly, the best I could do is share some pictures instead. After this, headed to hypno. O;-)

Kink and Anxiety

In a call for people to be more conscious of what they can do to help their communities I recently said that it takes nothing but your time to show support for something or someone. While I stand by this as a general rule it is certainly not absolute: specifically for those with anxiety issues it can take a great deal more than just your time. When you have anxiety, showing support can become a constant battle between the stress certain situations cause you and the desire you have to help those you care about. Being spread too thin can be stressful for anyone, but the difference is that anxiety can be triggered in regard to specific, isolated events and cannot always be mitigated by carving out more time for yourself.

My own personal anxiety is something I’ve alluded to here a number of times (and struggled with for years), but I want to put a face on the severity of its impact for those who can't relate. I’ve been involved in the kink community over a decade now; it’s not just a pastime for me, it really is a lifestyle I embrace fully. I honestly can't remember the last time I went more than a week or two without attending a group’s bar night or a play party or attended a contest/event. Even with that amount of experience and exposure, anxiety can still immobilize me to the point where I literally can't participate. A few months ago a local group was hosting a game night at a member's house, someplace I’d never been. There were a lot of variables which were triggering my anxiety badly, but I managed to force myself to get in the car and drive over. Once I parked, I sat in the car for at least 10 minutes trying to will myself to get out and walk up to their house, fighting the urge to start my car, drive home, and make up something to apologize later. The desire to show support eventually won out, but sometimes it doesn't and I flake on things or people I care about. If anxiety can cripple someone with my level of experience, it can keep someone with less experience from even taking that first step. For some people, they may not only never make it to the car, they may not even be able to convince themselves they're allowed or welcome to attend a social gathering.

The kink community has always been very dear to me, from the very first time I set foot at an event. The friendships and relationships are so strong and open that I often find non-kinky people who are unable to believe that it is even possible for people to be that close and loving. The most prevailing theory as to why kinksters have such healthy relationships seems to be that kink requires a greater degree of self-awareness, helping build more solid and trustful dynamics. While this is certainly true, I don't think it is what makes the kink community so special; there are plenty of communities with a similar mindfulness. What I think makes the kink community so special is that it celebrates that there are parts of yourself that you cannot develop or even access without others. Whether it’s a headspace, an act, or a lifestyle dynamic, the activities overwhelmingly necessitate sharing experiences with others and developing the communication skills necessary to make those endeavors possible. Without this, most people will never understand those early twinges and pangs that so many of us look back on knowingly.

When I look at the community and those coming in to it, I see anxiety far too often. Sometimes it may stem from something as serious as a pathological chemical imbalance, other times it may just be an implicit distrustfulness from years of bullying or other such distress. Whatever the cause, these things tend make a person feel the need to suppress themselves for fear of rejection or ridicule, which can serve as a tremendous source of anxiety. When there are parts of yourself that you are deeply programmed to be ashamed of, other people accepting those parts can almost feel like you’re being gaslighted; you feel crazy for believing the ridicule is gone, like it’s just lurking around another corner. Sometimes you’re afraid to turn that corner, to have that new experience, so anxiety gets the best of you and you stay put where it’s quiet and safe. On bad days, it can feel like the very notion you could be accepted for who you are is downright insane.

As I stated before, most of kink simply cannot be learned alone despite how deeply ingrained kinky tendencies may be in some. You don’t have to try very hard to find someone who can, in retrospect, see that their interests impacted their behavior years (or decades) before understanding these impulses. We aren’t talking about a hobby or a trade, we’re talking about someone being unable to explore parts of themselves if they cannot gain access to the proper resources. This creates a unique obligation for our community to look out for those who are starting to learn; if we aren’t able to recognize when people are having a hard time finding circumstances in which they feel comfortable with these parts of themselves, they’re apt to disappear from the community.

One of my favorite annual events is CLAW, largely because of how focused on community-building it is. Every year that I’ve had the privilege of attending their amazing brunch, there’s been at least a 2-3 minute spiel on the difference it can make just to introduce yourself to a newbie during your weekend. It’s an amazing, simple, and impactful concept that makes a huge difference when adapted by a community. The next time you’re at a social gathering and see someone not really mingling, keep in mind how hard it may have been just for them to show up: do everything you can to make them feel welcome. Of course be respectful if they want to be left alone, but an introduction rarely hurts and lets you gauge their level of desired involvement. If individual conversation with strangers is difficult for you (or you simply can't find common ground), try introducing them to your circle of friends while you get a drink or use the restroom. There’s always a small risk that it may lead to some awkward moments, but there’s also a very good chance you’re helping someone get a foot in the door to make connections that will help them understand themself better. You don’t have to like every person you meet, but giving every willing and well-intentioned person you meet access to your community means they can eventually always have someone to help them grow, even if you can't at the time.

National Coming Out Day

It’s National Coming Out Day, the only holiday I can think of that celebrates sex without actually sexualizing individuals.

Unlike most people, I never had a proper coming out story. I knew I was gay by the time kids were talking about sex, so there wasn’t really much a period where I felt the need to hide my orientation. I was bullied for a short while before realizing it myself, but due to moving frequently I never had to redefine myself by coming out. With family there was never a cathartic “Guys, I’m gay,” just a quiet understanding born from repeated, careless failures to clear browser history. The closest experience I’ve had to coming out is recently acknowledging my pup side, and that is definitely not a fair parallel to draw.

I’m a gay, poly-minded man who’s a bondage freak, gear enthusiast, sadist, and pup. The greatest source of privilege I have does not stem from my race or my gender, but the overwhelming warmth and acceptance I have chanced into, continually, in finding people who do not judge me for those aspects of my identity. I cannot fathom what it would be like to live without that warmth - lacking the support to do something as simple as being yourself - so I surely lack understanding of the struggles encountered by those not yet out.

It takes strength to be yourself in a culture that celebrates conformity, a strength I try to instill in every person I meet by showing them their aberrance is not only acceptable but should be celebrated. Coming out isn’t just about sexual orientation: it’s about unapologetically being your whole self, whatever that might be. The more of yourself you allow to be seen, the more you find people in dire need of validation that will allow them to stop suppressing parts of themselves. The more you open up, the more you find out there are people who feel just like you. For every person willing to be a new data point in the examples that lead to bias, the more difficult it becomes to believe a stereotype and the less likely people are to see stigma in labels. The less afraid of labels people are, the more intuitively they understand that attributing stigma to a label is inherently flawed and wrong.

I would never judge or demean someone who is unable to come out or isn’t yet ready to, but it is important to remember that there is more to this equation than controlling one’s own image. The more reluctant you are to share something about yourself, the greater the need is for you to do just that. If we can’t show people we’re comfortable with ourselves, how can we expect them to be comfortable with us?

That being said, if there’s something that you have trouble admitting, today is the best possible opportunity to make it public. Come on in: the water’s fine and you’re fucking amazing! And no, I won't apologize for the mixed metaphor.

Sci-Fur Artwork

I don't fancy myself a fur, but it's definitely a community I enjoy being around. They have an absurd amount of amazing artists within their community, and I love some of the ideas they express through their art. Some of the art they put out is just pervy antrho pieces of fursonas fucking, but every once in a while I'll stumble across some work that get me harder than a photo of a human restrained ever will. Unfortunately my collection is rather small since I'm incredibly unorganized, and I'd definitely welcome any additions similar to these to my collection.

Hypno-Pup Fantasy

Lately I’ve been toying around with some hypno ideas that relate to pup play. The end goal is basically to be susceptible enough that I can neither resist being put into headspace nor remove myself from it on my own once there; to try to fight it and end up losing. Hypno might not be as powerful as a lot of people are led to believe, but it can definitely lay bare some deeply-rooted desires and instill some fairly strong inclinations. Given that I enjoy pup headspace immensely once there, I imagine stoking that fire could produce some interesting results.

Pup play for me is kind of the opposite of how I approach pain play. With pain play there is little direct enjoyment, but I derive a great deal of pleasure from the resulting dynamic. When it comes to pup play, I enjoy the fuck out of the headspace when I can find it but would rather be myself in most situations. Amping up compulsions to where I actively have to (or literally can’t) fight being thrown into headspace is pretty hot and dehumanizing, especially since it could completely neuter my notedly fiery nature. A friend jokingly commented that if the triggers become strong enough it could feasibly end any argument I’m involved in. Truth be told I’d actually love for the triggers to be so deeply-ingrained I could be forced from a heated argument to a pup begging pitifully for belly rubs.

I had a visual of how I expected things to develop: essentially feeling like being hooded is locking my human side in a cell. I could see myself begging with my eyes for the hood not to go on because I was enjoying the social setting, but otherwise being frozen and unable to stop it, feeling my thoughts dull as the hood is secured. I could see that “Please, no?” look washing away as I get scritches, falling to all fours - unconsciously wagging and probably barking for more when they stop. Then just completely gone for an hour or two without a thought or word, just a series of feelings and impulses and heartfelt barks.

A friend sent me a story based on some fairly intense hypno control that reflects a similar compulsion for an unwilling person to become a pup. Enjoying it as thoroughly as I did I figured it begged sharing. Kudos to Hypnoslave-boy on Tumblr for the story.

Language Restrictions

One of the kinky endeavors I have scoffed at the longest is noun replacement (SIR/pup/it, etc) or similar language restrictions. I always try to understand any fetish I am exposed to, but this one never clicked until it was kind of thrust upon me. Any time I’d encounter it I’d think “You seriously believe saying a word will magically make me submissive towards you?” and I couldn’t make myself regard it as anything but utterly trite. Part of the problem was it initially seemed to be exclusive to traditional Sir/boy dynamics - the thought of which turned me off to for years. It’s likely this bled into my view of speech-based protocol, and I simply couldn’t see past the negativity I had been subjected to as I began exploring submission. While this feeling eventually diminished as I became more immersed in the culture, it still left me with the impression that this protocol was simply to suit the Sir’s ego and not to benefit both the Sir and boy. I’m happy to admit I was unequivocally wrong.

Speech is a fairly instinctive process for most people - at least as it relates to conversation - and as such the mechanics behind sentence structure are not given much thought. We all have our own dialects and colloquialisms that are deeply ingrained in our psyche, and for the most part we seldom have to focus intently on what we want to say. Since so much of this is rooted in routine, it can be very difficult to be consciously aware of the process of converting our thoughts to words. Try to get a southerner to stop saying “y’all” instinctively or a midwesterner to switch from saying “pop” to “soda” and watch how long they struggle.

Some time ago my Sir threw out the idea of requiring that I refer to myself as ‘pup’ and ‘it’ when speaking to Him. The dynamic had been going really well and, although I had absolutely no interest in it, I agreed to these restrictions on a trial basis because pleasing Him is a priority. Being a long-distance dynamic, punishment for failures was a bit difficult to enforce so I ended up frustrated to the point where it turned into a fairly significant fight and I wanted to stop. As I tried to adapt to the new manner of speaking, I was finding it more difficult to communicate effectively since I couldn’t speak naturally and it would disrupt my thought process. It was ruining my ability to speak eloquently and was whittling away at my ability to be persuasive, so naturally it was infuriating. I was furious over something as simple as changing a few words because, deep down, I think I knew what it was doing to me. Eventually, my ego let go and I adapted to the language change - after all,what right did I have to protest such a simple expectation?

As things progressed, I noticed that the changes to how I would speak to Sir were slowly becoming more significant; the language became simpler, conjunctions and determiners started to disappear, and these restrictions became more compulsive and less labored. By the time I had realized this was happening, it had also yielded simpler thoughts since the language I was being required to use couldn’t possibly suit complicated thoughts. Things like concepts and ideas became less-suited for the discussions, and instead were replaced with compulsions and reactions. What started happening was I began slipping into a headspace I didn’t even know I could access; communication with Sir as my normal, human self was becoming less and less feasible. Eventually I was doing pushups and randomly thought “PUP. WILL. BE. BIG. PUP.” with a rompy thought sneaking out each rep. I was ready to pounce someone .. I didn’t even know I could want to pounce someone. Somehow the speech restrictions had transitioned from just placating Sir to literally changing my internal thoughts independent of His involvement. It sure as hell caught me off-guard, and I thought it was hot that He’d somehow managed to influence my thoughts without needing to lift a finger or even be present.

Most people have heard of the repeated studies that demonstrate “if you smile more often you’ll be happier.” While there are a large amount of variables that may skew the validity of this sentiment (smiling nets better treatment from others, for instance), the foundation is that mental states and thought processes can be built from the ground-up. When you have a solid behavioral foundation that impacts a large number of actions, naturally its influence will steadily branch out. We’re creatures of habit and, given how difficult it is to override our speech patterns, forcing someone to speak a specific way can actually alter their thought process the same way forcing a smile can potentially make you happier. If you remove someone’s ability to express themselves through speech, you can undermine their ability to even have those thoughts while in headspace.

It can take a good bit of familiarity with a sub and a very calculated ramp-up, but if done right it can yield a very strong dynamic. If the goal of speech restriction is dehumanization, simply having someone speak in exactly the same manner with different pronouns may not be enough. Additionally, if someone is particularly embarrassed or irked about the restrictions, they may simply try to structure their sentences to avoid using the words for which replacement is required; “How are you?” might change to “What’s going on today?” rather than “How is Sir?” for instance. Egos are sneaky, and they’re going to try and find ways around protocol if there is some internal motivation to do so.

If you plan on engaging in this sort of play as a Dom, think of it this way: every headspace is almost like a different person. A headspace drastically changes how an individual would respond to a myriad of situations; the same person subbing as a boy will behave very differently if subbing as a pup. As you work on cultivating a headspace in an individual, think about how this should be manifesting in the interaction. How someone says something is a great way to see into their head; anyone who’s ever worked retail understands the difference tone can make. Pup headspace is an easy example since, naturally, a pup should have fairly simple thoughts. If the pup’s manner of speaking isn’t direct and to the point, odds are you could work on deepening their headspace by further restricting their speech in a way that strips their human thoughts away even more so. If his speech is filled with words that give context and flavor and thoughtfulness, rob him of his ability to use such thinky words and sentences. With enough work, you can rip away the eloquent thoughts of a writer and reduce him to a dog that can only turn its mind on its immediate needs. 

pup wants to play now, k?

Intense Abuse Porn

Someone gave me a link to this vid trying to describe how brutal they were willing to be when it comes to abuse. Needless to say my interest was piqued; this guy's put through tougher paces than I think I could endure. Absolutely love that the tops really are completely unmoved. The guy said that the studio was shut down for the vids being too intense, but I'm definitely still a fan.

My personal favorite part starts around 14 min in. Enjoy.

Dick's Fapository - Dehumanization Edition (Part 2)

The second half of the dehumanization fantasies! These are more based on degradation aside from pain from a more psychological approach.

Clothes are for People:
Kept naked and in chastity through entire scene, ideally with belongings locked away. Either out of punishment or pure sadism end up forced into potentially public setting still naked. Could be having to stand in hallway outside door for several minutes, taken to car naked and getting driven home nude, etc. anything that makes nudity a panic-inducing condition is fair game.

Forced Piss Pig:
Duct tape over eyes, dental gag holding mouth open, either bolted to the floor using pipe fittings or anything with head as thoroughly immobilized. Forced to suck cock and eventually pissed on while unable to even turn head away or close mouth.

Good Puppy:
End up in a public situation with a shock collar on for basic protocol (arms behind back, kneeling next to Dom, etc.). Instead guy ends up using it to force pup posture, barking, and tricks. Handler increasingly raises bar for expectation of behavior, eventually shocking even for things like noticing attentiveness to conversation (dogs can’t eavesdrop). Also shocks for failure to exhibit believable excitement when others give scritches or request tricks, and must be pup to everyone.

Just a Toy:
Over a long-term or weekend scene, a hood is locked on before removing restraints. Once released (or while being released) hands mitted and locked behind back and legs shackled as well as re-applying electro contacts if necessary. Led to cage and aggressively forced in before it is locked. Tape applied around electro contacts and box inputs to prevent any potential for removal. Throat mic is put back on to ensure inability to yell for help or similar unless it is an emergency. Once rested, captor returns with obvious intent to inflict more pain.

No Rest For the Wicked:
Hood is locked on and chain/collar is run to ceiling hook above toilet. Arms remain free but legs are chained of tied to base of toilet. Additionally, thin rope run from balls under seat and secured to base of toilet to prevent standing. Potentially good opportunity for forced enemas, could simply cuff arms behind back or to chain collar to keep out of way.

Proper Foot Bitch:
Naked and in chastity w/ shock collar and pinch collar at a party. Hands cuffed in front (for rubbing feet) and legs shackled with no limits to pain that can be inflicted for disobedience. Not allowed make eye contact or to speak unless being instructed to ask permission to service feet. Needs at least one designated person to trigger remote if eye contact is made or in the event of verbalizing. Any reluctance to either worship or request permission that the collar can’t enforce results in being pinned down by as many guys as necessary with heavy face slapping, gut punching, spanking, etc. or choking to cut off screaming or protesting.

Remote-Controlled Service:
Forced foot worship scene while mitted using shock collar to encourage eager licking. Guy gets good enough to force licking so eagerly it’s hard to keep up, then puts a pinch collar on. Proceeds to use shock collar for forced cock worship and getting fucked instead of foot worship. Eventually likely to protest or try to resist shocks, and pinch collar is there to constrict and induce panic that preoccupies mitts as they uselessly paw at the collar.

Precaution

Recently I had a discussion where a Dom was describing a scene he felt involved a potentially questionable breach of consent. A boy he was playing with requested he be allowed to suck him off mid-scene, and the Dom was happy to oblige. When the scene had concluded the boy texted him after leaving, indicating that he had never intended to swallow the resulting load. After a bit more prodding, the Dom I was speaking with confirmed that at no point did the boy protest being made to do so. Personally I feel that this Dom did nothing wrong, but when you add new activities within a scene based on either party changing what they want at that time this is always a risk. There are ways to preemptively reduce such a possibility, but it takes an awareness of what changes are apt to occur within a given scene.

My hard limits list is rather extensive and thought through; I have the experience to understand what is and is not something I can accommodate as well as the experience to know what is relevant in most situations. That being said, there are still soft limits that I may place for a specific scene that, in the heat of submission, I may expressly request once things going. For instance, as averse to anal sex as I am there have been scenes where I’ve asked to get fucked once the scene got going. Regardless of experience level sometimes the chemistry is better or the scene hotter than expected, and these limits may cease to be prohibited as things develop.

When starting out in kink, it is the most likely time to find yourself in situations that are unpredictably hot. Everything is fresh and new and you have nothing to use to estimate how you'll feel about an unfamiliar situation. At this point in one’s experience, it is naturally very unlikely to know what potentials exist that could result from a change of heart. This makes discussing limits based these potentials impossible, while potentially causing problems as it did in the scene I was discussing with this Dom. Any Dom has a responsibility to try and steer discussions to touch base on anything he has in mind, even if the activities are not planned as a guaranteed part of the scene.

Here are a few starters that are surprisingly easy to overlook when players are more focused on growing their BDSM side than their sexual side. This could range from a D/s scene primarily around objectification and boot worship to a bondage scene meant to only involve edging.

• Is oral sex permissible?
• Giving, receiving, or both?
• Under what conditions?
• Is anal penetration permissible?
• What implements or toys?
• Anal sex?
• Penetrative, receptive, or both?
• With what protection (if any)?
• Under what conditions?
• Is fluid exchange permissible?
• Which fluids?
• Through what acts (e.g: pissing in mouth but not ass)?
• Is pain play permissible?
• To what level of intensity (e.g: only okay if still hard)?
• Is a safeword necessary?
• Are marks acceptable?
• In what location(s)?
• Are any types of pain or areas of impact off-limits (e.g: no CBT/TT but spanking okay)?
• What implements or tools are acceptable?
• Do you have any physical limitations for service or bondage?

The vast majority of people engaging in BDSM will be interested in a level of sexual encounter and/or pain play to some extent, however minimal. As such, these are important things to touch base on as “what if’s, unless already specified as limits. Even assuming interest in these common items is an unfair presumption, so it is important to clarify if you plan on trying to maximize the flexibility of a scene. Anything beyond this list is substantially more individualized and should be specifically addressed prior to trying it in a scene.

It can seem a bit daunting to feel like you need to discuss literally every fetish with a person (there are checklists for this if you want to go that route), but a lot of things will naturally rule themselves out. For instance, if your scene is simply supposed to be having someone tied spread-eagle to your bed, presumably you wouldn’t need to discuss watersports (assuming you want a clean bed), suspension, or public nudity. Keep in mind where your interests in a partner lie and - even if the possibility is miniscule - be sure to isolate and discuss any specific interests that could be feasible to explore, even if they may not be the focus of the scene.

Dick's Fapository - Dehumanization Edition (Part 1)

These scenes aim to remove any consideration someone would normally give an equal. The goal is to very clearly establish that the sub’s enjoyment is immaterial and they are simply a tool to be used for another’s pleasure, amusement, or benefit. While the dynamic outside of the scene (or between scenes) can be very affectionate, these require a great deal of compartmentalization to diminish the sub to where they are nothing. The first half if this set is more oriented towards scenes pertaining to my recent "Dehumanization Through Pain" post.

Anti-Aftercare:

After any heavy abuse scene, only released partially (to prevent escape) while transitioning to handcuffs behind back and leg irons. Collar/neck locked to eye-bolt in floor by chain so head can’t be picked up more than an inch or two. Potentially pissed on whether exclusively in face or all over, but no matter what left alone for a while without so much as a “You did well, boy.”

Confusion Embodied:

Scene with a Dom who is bilingual. High protocol with all instructions in language that is not understood. Very severe implements used like stun guns and cattle prods, with absolutely no sympathy for failure to understand commands.

Manhandling:

Heavy hood locked on along with mitts and soft ankle restraints as well as shock collar. Unrestrained pain play from face-slapping to chest punching to forceful meat-grabbing. Occasional protocol requests regarding body placement (arms behind back, hands behind head, legs spread, etc.), and periodically thrown to ground for trampling. Misbehavior met with ever-increasing intensity like foot on neck or stepping on wrists while chest is slapped. Shock collar reserved exclusively to prevent vocalizing or verbally protesting. Could lead to aggressive hole claiming or could also include multiple Doms.

Sir is Unmoved by Your Plight:

Handcuffed and shackled with chains locked together. Pinch collar around neck and shock collar on balls without chastity so cock is free to be abused. Given instructions to look at boots, feet, or similar fixed point that requires keeping head down. Could also have balls tied with loose rope end so it can be stepped on to force crouch and keep legs spread, or nipple forceps with a chain so can be yanked to floor by nipples instead of neck. Face slapped, cock slapped (ideally with hard implement like thin paddle), and thighs slapped with balls getting shocked any time eyes are not where they are supposed to be. If cannot calm down anger, can be pulled to ground and head or neck stepped on or otherwise held down while shocking balls as much as necessary to get the point across. If anger is still present when face-slapping resumes, thrown back to floor for a repeat.

Think Twice:

Fuck up somehow like trying to escape or getting too stubborn. Chain locked around neck or to collar, dragged upward and aggressively so constant pressure is on neck and almost having to walk on tip-toes. Led under eye-bolt, chain locked taut enough that constant pressure is still on neck even when standing on toes. Arms restrained and pulled either up towards shoulders or away from body. Ass, thighs, balls, chest, or anything reachable ruthlessly beat at least to tears. Could add additional torture methods like throwing a bucket of ice water or spikes under feet, or introducing other implements like stun gun or cattle prod.

Worthless Meat:

Standing predicament bondage position with heavy hood locked on; legs separated by spreader bar, arms behind back tied to ceiling, balls tied to spreader bar to force a deep crouch. Nipple clamps or forceps added, then ass and thighs either heavily paddled, belted, or similarly brutalized as well as heavy CBT. When legs cannot tolerate standing any longer, either fucked or forced to take a dildo/plug.

Dick's Fapository - Nonconsensual Edition

These scenarios are methods of securing someone without them having expressly consented to a scene. As such, it would be unethical to engage in these activities without some form of prior discussion. Personally, so long as someone were 100% certain they would not fail at implementing something below, so long as I was legitimately helpless I couldn’t possibly complain. Additionally, with enough force or adding tools like a shock collar, any one of these could be used to transition into one of the mindfuck or dehumanization scenes.

Mob Justice:

Random social kink environment. Ganged up on by however many guys it takes to subdue, even if using things tactics like stress points. Yelling met with either face slapping, various impact play, or literally forced gagging/hooding. Continually restrained using implements (handcuffs, leash, pinch collar, etc.) or grappling and forced to lick boots, mouth crotches through clothes, or similar service. Could also involve forced removal of clothes (to nudity if possible) and subsequent withholding of belongings pending good behavior. In this case “good behavior” would be restricted to very basic protocol like head down, arms behind back, lick boots when told, etc.

Panicked Transport:

Strapped into a bondage chair or similar rigid but movable setup. Ear plugs and heavy hood added forcibly while thighs, chest, and balls are slapped brutally to reaffirm how secure the setup is. At this point, get transported to another location and any attempts to protest are met with severe ball-beating. Once at new location, hood remains locked on and multiple people are there to subdue.

Pseudo-Kidnapping:

Set up something with a regular Dom for an “instructions at the door” scene. Instructions include inescapable bondage (tied to chair, chain locked to floor, hooded and cuffed, etc.) and ideally nudity or similar vulnerability. When someone finally enters the room can tell it’s not regular play partner and are unsure who. If instructions are resisted they proceed to forcibly restrain further and beat until followed, whether direct non-sexual service like foot worship or protocol-oriented like avoiding eye contact aversion. The stranger should have instructions that only light pain is acceptable when compliant. If dumb enough to yell for help or similar, gut punched or choked severely, or whatever it takes so yelling is impossible. Could be released with or without usual play partner making an appearance.

Sneak Attack:

Regular Dom works with two of his local friends to convince you to meet new guy. Guy agrees to meet for drinks at his place. Second guy manages to sneak up and get pillowcase or loose hood over head, tightening it around neck. When trying to fight whatever has obstructed view, original person manages to quickly get rope around wrists (feeding bight between arms and chest, making quickly constricting loop for example). Any protest is met with gut punching, headlock, or other silencing means. Once this is done arms are pulled away from neck/face all the way to floor (can step on rope for leverage). Surprise person straddles and forcibly replaces pillowcase with proper hood, locking it on.

The Takedown:

Using an animal control pole, noose, chain, or similar implement to control using neck vulnerability, exploited from behind quickly while distracted. Could either just be forced to obey simple eye contact/speech protocol or forced to lick boots and otherwise service non-sexually. Goal is to simply forcibly be removed from involvement in a social setting and to be unable to assert self back into said setting.

Dehumanization Through Pain Play

Pain play is something I’ve always had a contentious relationship with. One of my earliest experiences with CBT, for instance, was being tied to a St. Andrews cross and feeling nauseous when the Dom hung a boot from my balls (yes, I really started out THAT sensitive). Other types of pain would come up in scenes (clothespins on nipples, spanking, wax, etc.) and it would always either agitate me or cause me to become disinterested. Eventually I started craving progressively heavier bondage, and it necessitated being a little more flexible with what I was willing to endure. Back when mummification was still shiny and new to me I found myself wrapped up by a new Dom, feeling more immobile than I ever had before. At some point he gave my balls a few light taps and, much to my surprise, instead of feeling vexed I felt my cock begin to swell. There was a similar scene a few years later where a Dom straddled my chest while I was mummified and proceeded to lightly slap my face. This eventually made me noticeably angry (not being able to turn my head away was infuriating and degrading) so he stopped, thinking it would ruin the scene. Instead of the lingering anger I’d have expected I felt a sense of disappointment as he backed down and I left his apartment very confused.

Generally when I’m discussing more intense scenes with less experienced Doms, they are just as confused by these contradictions as I initially was. I’ve used my “tattoo analogy" with some degree of success but this only explains the difference between direct and indirect enjoyment, not the motivation. As can be surmised from this blog, my interest in heavier pain play is simply an extension of my interest in helplessness. If I feel I can move too much or otherwise affect the level of pain I am receiving, I fly into a rage; disabuse me of that notion and my dick will swell while my brain panics as coping mechanism after coping mechanism is stripped away.

It took me a long time but, thanks to my interest in some humiliation-oriented things like foot worship, it started to click that what was happening was I began to derive enjoyment from dehumanization. This later manifested in a myriad of ways, but it was there in that very first scene I got hard over pain. I’ve always speculated that my interest in BDSM stemmed from how compressed the dynamics were; that the level of trust and sacrifice involved is unparalleled. In terms of sacrifice, I can think of none greater than giving up your personhood to become another’s blank canvas. Paint it with screams, paint it with embarrassment, paint it with overwhelming and relentless pleasure; make of it what you will, it’s yours.

Whether it’s professionally or personally, I spend most of my time breaking down systems and thoughts into their most basic components and then looking at how they relate. I personally feel this is the best way to make any sort of progress regardless of the endeavor, whether it’s as amorphous as a dynamic or as staunch as crafting policy. If you break it down and distill it thusly, any form of power exchange stems from a mutual agreement to enable the Dom to exude entitlement. This entitlement could be sexual in nature, like a service gimp, or it could be protocol-oriented as it is in many Sir/boy dynamics. It could even be as simple as allowing a sadist domain over your body: it all relates to a subversion of will that allows the dominant partner the right or privilege to enforce certain expectations. When the power dynamic shifts enough that the sub’s obligation supersedes their enjoyment, you have a dynamic that enables a Dom to be entitled.

Naturally different dynamics will have different levels of imbalance, but this foundation is a fairly universal tone. Nearly as universally, being submissive is not easy in any dynamic regardless of context; it requires constant effort to relinquish control that any animal or human will want to retain on an instinctive level. Much of the entitlement that can come from dominance stems from a presumption that a submissive partner is expected to quell this need to retain this naturally coveted control. One of a benchmarks of a Dom who is becoming comfortable with this entitlement is annoyance; the expectations set forth become so solidified that the strain it places on a sub - to some degree - is irrelevant. If you can define expectations clearly enough that you can be annoyed when they are not met, you’re well on your way to fully dehumanizing someone.

As you get into heavier levels of intensity play, it gets more and more difficult to determine what a reasonable sacrifice is. The next progression for me beyond the face-slapping mummification scene was one that involved a shock collar and foot worship. Being a professional dog trainer, I was (and am) very particular that my training tools be used appropriately; random shocking was expressly forbidden when holding the remote. As I began to lick his feet it was one of the first times I had ever willingly engaged in something so degrading. He shocked me despite feeling like I was doing well, and I stood up with alarming speed. When he tried to restrain me, I threatened to scream and alert his vanilla roommates. Five years later I still wish he’d have grabbed me by the neck and thrown me to the ground when I threatened him like that; despite how justified I felt at the time, I backed out of a solid agreement and I feel that is unacceptable for the sub I want to be. He had no way of knowing what a big step that willingness was for me and it was unfair to be upset over something he couldn’t help.

Panic is something that is very prone to arise the more a sub wants to be pushed. It tends to be derived from the realization that all options to prevent something from happening have been exhausted; in that moment the last option I had was to scream deliberately to draw the attention of others. Had the scene continued as I’d described, it’s very likely I would have panicked and become compliant, if only out of self-preservation. The closer someone gets to this level of panic, the less human they become; their brain is so consumed with minimizing risk that defiance is no longer an option. All rationalizing and communication and deliberate action starts to fade away and you’re reduced to an animal acting only on instinct. To me, this is the epitome of dehumanization: you’re not just stripping away someone’s human traits, you’re actually reducing them to a thoughtless animal.

This sort of play has a lot of potential, but it takes an understanding of what a sub seeking this level of intensity is supposed to be, which is nothing. They are not a friend, they are not a partner, they are not a boy, they are simply an inexhaustible outlet for sadism and/or service. Physical safety is still very important, but with the right bondage setup and appropriate level of attentiveness, it should be alarmingly obvious when there is a problem other than the pain you are inflicting. If a Dom can see a boy fighting with every ounce of his strength and be more annoyed with how much he can move instead of being moved by his plight, the sub is going to feel it. When you’re on the receiving end of that, it invalidates any grievance you have with the situation; your suffering demonstrably means less than your captor’s pleasure. What could possibly be more dehumanizing than being pushed to the edge of your sanity, only to have someone be so unmoved by your predicament that they can’t be bothered to hesitate? I can’t think of anything that could drive home where someone’s place is in a dynamic more adequately.

To end this on a lighter note, I want to detail a scene I had that was fairly successful to this end - some if it actually made an appearance in the Shock Collar story. I was in my sleepsack strapped down to a Dom’s bed with my nipples/feet left out and my head tied down; I couldn’t so much as wriggle. He then proceeded to put rubber bands on my feet and tie my toes back to my nipples rather tautly. I was in chastity and this level of restraint had me straining pretty hard. As I mentioned, I really don’t care for pain directly, and every snap of the rubber bands eroded my horniness one step further. That is, until, my nipples started to hurt more than I could take. To alleviate them, I had to flex my toes even further back which meant I was willingly opening my soles to an onslaught of pain. With the added effort, my shins began to ache to the point where I couldn’t force myself to hold my toes back any more. I kept thinking to myself “Just ask him to loosen them,” but knew that he wouldn’t give me any leeway until the time we agreed on was over. As I lay there - calves aching, nipples burning, feeling so helpless I couldn’t even voice a complaint - my cock would swell every time I thought for a second about how fucked I was, and that thought would occur with every worsening ache. By the middle of the scene my cock was so engorged within the chastity he actually had to take it out for fear of circulation issues.

When you’re into things that pertain to indirect enjoyment, your body and mind can betray you. It’s a hell of a journey to get there, but I can’t think of a more substantial - or hotter - level of control than letting someone hijack you that way. If you’re going to play at this level it’s paramount you understand your own thoughts incredibly well, as letting someone that deeply into your head can be confusing. If things go wrong it is vital that you keep the lines of communication open; don’t let trauma or regret prevent you from an open and honest post-scene discussion. It can be hard because you feel like you should have communicated better, but if you shut out discussion that’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy as opposed to a legitimate sentiment. If the scene turns out to be more than you bargained for or doesn’t elicit the feelings you had hoped, talk to them about dialing it back to a scene that’s only about direct enjoyment; letting the experience ruin your dynamic with that person can undermine your ability to trust new Doms. If you begin negotiating scenes like this, keep in mind that if a Dom is unwilling to sacrifice their enjoyment to help you recover after a bad scene, you shouldn’t be sacrificing your enjoyment to sate their sadism.

Short Bastinado Vid

It's a way shorter video than I'd like, but this is after the top had been abusing me for at least an hour. I think immediately before this he'd been snapping the rubber bands for several minutes non-stop, and my head was panicking any time I felt him pull them back. Definitely one of the few times more severe pain has kept me hard; it was very apparent at the time that he could not be dissuaded.

If you've seen the vid of me getting my balls beat, you can see how much pain it takes to get me to make these noises .. and it's bad enough that I'm making them in anticipation. Was a hell of a fun scene.

Short Bastinado Clip powered by XTube

Dick's Fapository - Mindfuck Edition

I spend a lot of time fantasizing. One of my favorite things to do is sculpt scenes that have limited variables to allow Doms the freedom to explore their sadistic side without the burden of doubt. Some of the scenes I came up with while trying to cater to this lack of confidence turned out to be viable as a part of larger scenes with more confident Doms. I figured I would sort and catalog some of them in the event that anyone else might enjoy partaking in them - or subjecting me to them. There are two other "categories" I plan on posting after this, so stay tuned if these pique your interest.

These scenes are intended to challenge how the victim would normally process or respond to stimuli. Whether it’s feeling dread at the onset of pleasure or having to will oneself to quell a deeply ingrained natural response, it should be such a counter-intuitive experience that it is mentally exhausting. As far as intensity goes, these have the most bang for your buck; because of the extra added mental strain, the need for physical intensity is diminished to create the same level of strain.

For those unfamiliar, the throat mic mentioned in some these scenarios is an induction microphone that will only pick up noises from the sub's vocal cords as opposed to ambient noise. The result is that instead of being randomly shocked, the sub feels an overwhelming compulsion to prevent himself from vocalizing. Fantasies after the jump.

Thom (Part 3)

Thom (Part 2)

Thom

Shock Collar and Abuse Scene

This video takes place after about an hour of as intense as what is seen here. The boy has a shock collar on his nuts and was being shocked any time he lost control and grunted or yelled too loudly. What you can't tell from the angle is I still have it in hand and am periodically shocking him in response to certain behaviors. My room at the time was a little cramped so some of my positioning is odd, but I was a little too focused on making him suffer to care. At one point you can see his hand convulsing wildly, and if you understand the process he's been through this is the physical equivalent of a full-throated scream.

Partial Mummification Bastinado/CBT powered by XTube

Down the Rabbit Hole

Pup is on way to New Jersey to be its Sir’s captive pet, and has written this in advance for Sir to post once pup has boarded plane and can’t be online to take down. For whole weekend, pup will only be allowed to speak as a pup on the very rare (if any) occasions it is allowed to speak, and punished if pup tries to talk like full person. Pup never thought something like noun/speech replacement would resonate because pup thought it was silly and almost trite, but Sir has made pup get into headspace even long distance which normally pup can’t do. Pup does not like this and it embarasses pup very lots, but pup likes pleasing Sir even more so too bad for pup! Sir wants eager pup so pup will have to learn to be one.

Pup will not be allowed to be angry or annoyed or embarrassed or self-conscious, only blindly obedient and eager. Thinking about doing things like begging for treats or rolling over for belly rubs or playing fetch makes pup very sad and embarrassed, so pup won’t know how to be eager. Sir has said that he will not accept this and pup will be corrected harshly since Sir wants eager pet not boring, thinky human.

Pups need storage when bad or when Sirs need breaks, so Sir will make pup write offline to describe weekend while stored. If pup does not write, pup gets beat. If pup tries to write as person even to just say “I’m done,” pup gets beat. If pup does anything but writing in a way that shows Sir pup was eagerly waiting for Sir like a real pet would, pup will be beat. Sir has access to pup’s accounts (w/ PW reset control), and will be posting pup’s pupthoughts after storage times are over.

For rest of weekend, any posts should be seen as honest (ly coerced) expressions and recountings. If pup tries to be full self and Sir publishes pup’s post saying “This was a mistake, I never should have agreed to this,” pup means it and pup will be getting abused severely for being too arrogant to just write “pup made mistake. pup wants to go home” instead. Don’t sympathize for pup since it has very simple out: just be good, eager pet, not stubborn!

Whether or not pup has fun throughout weekend, pup hopes anyone reading either enjoys watching pup’s will get crushed or enjoys waggy pupthought posts pup can’t delete that remind it of Sir’s control over pup. Barks!

Respect

I’ve never agreed with the idea that some individuals implicitly deserve an elevated level of respect across the board. We all have different values and their importance to us varies as staunchly as their nature; to expect a person to turn a blind eye to behavior that contradicts their more significant values is neither fair nor reasonable. Since much of kink is based on experience - with most activities demanding it to be competent - there tends to be an unfortunate conflation of being experienced and being more deserving of respect. Everyone deserves respect, and that includes respecting their dissent about an individual’s esteem - at least long enough to assess its validity.

One of the most significant pillars of the BDSM community is an emphasis on players in an active role experiencing what they will subject their passive partners to. Whether it’s a specific implement, method of inducing pain, level of restraint, etc, there is a pretty strong consensus that it is the correct way to handle training a new Dom. The idea is that you shouldn’t do something to a person that you haven’t had done to yourself, both to ensure that you understand logistically what it feels like and to instill a degree of reverence for what is being done. It’s a sentiment that comes from a very well-intentioned place, but it has some side-effects that I take serious issue with. For starters, this ideology is overwhelmingly applied exclusively to physical actions. In this way, leather got it right; you have to be a boy to become a proper Sir, not just experience a series of things being done to you. Not only does this give insight into how specific protocols could impact you mentally, it also shows the work it takes to allow yourself to enter that mentality. Unfortunately, as the fetish community has grown and the leather community has a shrinking piece of that pie, some of the nuanced reasoning behind these things is lost on people who may be less educated about kink. What this does is enables those who only engaged in the physical aspects of submission to hold themselves in the same regard as those who have experienced submission as it relates to dynamics. Needless to say this is a baseless ego boost, and it leads to a sort of entitled Dom that denigrates subs because they can’t understand the strength lifestyle-oriented submission demands. These are the same Doms that are likely to deem the experience of submissives as less valuable to the point of discounting them. While this model creates respect towards submission for those within the community that wish to become a Sir, to those not involved in the culture to the same degree it instead serves to erode the legitimacy of submission by establishing a higher standard for only one half of the dichotomy.

If we look at respect conceptually, it’s primarily based off of things like competency, experience, and accomplishments. This is a nearly universal concept regardless of community, and it’s the lens through which people see respect; when greater respect is given it is presumed that some of these qualifiers have been met and vice versa. What this means is that when someone not associated with the leather community sees this imbalanced level of respect, it is fair for them to presume that being a sub is less demanding and requires less aplomb because the role appears to garner less respect. I want to emphasise again that this is by no means their fault; it’s a fair and logical conclusion based on how respect normally functions. As the BDSM community continues to expand, this disconnect will only grow more and more prevalent due to the influx of new people unaware of how these roles function.

I have a lot of reverence for the level of tradition and protocol the leather community has to offer - and the quality of Sirs it is capable of producing - but I have always had a very averse reaction to anything that tries to dictate my identity. Similarly, I also try to be very respectful of how people identify and make deliberate efforts to never tell someone part of their identity is invalid. Naturally, staunch rules like requiring someone who identifies as dominant to undergo training as a submissive flies in the face of those efforts. Compounding these identity issues with the side-effect it has on how subs are viewed by newcomers, I can’t bring myself to participate in a system that would diminish those who don’t follow a certain path; the proof is in the pudding, not the recipe.

Despite how much I appreciate the sentiment behind leather’s approach to cultivating Doms, I think it is based on an overestimation of how relatable or translatable experiences are. When you over-emphasize the value of how you experienced something, it downplays how unique every person’s experiences are; nothing in your history will help you understand what a boy is feeling as you accidentally dig up a buried childhood memory, or the fear a boy feels as you stumble upon a phobia even he was unaware of. The ability to understand what someone else is going through does not come from having experienced it yourself, but rather respecting that you couldn’t possibly understand it yourself. To put it more productively, the first thing on a Dom’s mind should not be looking to his own experiences, it should be making 100% sure he is being receptive to everything his boy is communicating.

As we consider ensuring the healthy growth of the community and empowering a new wave of both Doms and subs, our focus should instead be on encouraging a universal standard of respect: identity, experiences, preferences, and negotiated consent should all be honored, immutably. When we have a paradigm that enables discrediting one’s experiences based on their methodology, we’ve already torn down one of these pillars and replaced it with an emphasis on esteem. The reason these particular pillars should be immutable is that they relate to an individual’s dynamics with specific individuals, which is no one’s business but those involved. No one should be obligated to bow to a part of someone’s identity that is irrelevant to them, and adults should be mature enough to understand that a person’s dynamics with others does not necessarily impact their own. Two play partners should be able to switch as they see fit without it altering their dynamic and, inversely, a sub locked into an exclusively submissive dynamic should be able to feel the Dom’s control even if someone has him in layers of rope and hoods. Let people hash out their own dynamics and they will continually strengthen them in whatever ways they feel are healthy for those involved

If we can encourage respecting others’ dynamics as described above, we reduce things like kink-shaming and end up creating an environment that is conducive to exploration. It empowers people not only to trust their own experiences, but to feel that they are in control of what happens between them instead of feeling obligated to proceed a certain way. What’s more is it doesn’t preclude people having very rigid dynamics, it simply empowers everyone involved to make their own decisions free of judgment.

CBT Burst

Just a quick CBT vid. Started the scene with a regular Dom by restraining myself in an 8-point spread eagle, hooded, and with pulleys running rope from my head to my balls so that if I lifted my head it'd pull on my balls. Unfortunately he had to let my balls down before this part d/t them getting rubbed raw. :-(

Expectation vs. Reality

This ended up being a bit longer than intended, and I want to take a second to clarify that the experience described herein is as close to factual as I could make it. It touches base on some very severe abuse I endured, and I want anyone who feels concern for those events to rest assured they’re presently of no consequence to me. I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun since - some of which was directly a result of what I learned during that weekend - and just wanted to show that it’s possible to come back from scenes that go awry. Moreover, I wanted to discuss how to try and prevent things from going awry.

Everyone has sexual fantasies: some may be incredibly detailed and involved, some may be as simple as wanting to feel a certain way in the moment, and some may be a specific goal or idea we want to incorporate into a larger scene. Most of the time it’s fantasies which drive us to seek a new level of play that helps prevent stagnation and keeps things fresh. They’re a perfectly natural part of sexual development - even when aberrant activities are involved - but there is a very real risk of literally losing yourself in a fantasy. As we focus on details that get us more and more aroused, it becomes easier to forget our thoughts and feelings at the time are also a part of the equation. When this happens you’re very apt to have a rude awakening when you actually find yourself in the fantasy.

One of the most recurring themes of this blog is helplessness. I’ve written stories - both fantasy and real - about it, and I’ve tried to deconstruct and detail how it can be accomplished. My approach to this kind of play has always been that when one agrees to waive the right to revoke consent, one must accept responsibility for misjudging the severity of one’s response to a situation. There will always be times where the Dom may be at fault, but only when ignorance, dishonesty, or incompetence is the cause; if a Dom does precisely as discussed in scene negotiations the end result is not necessarily his fault. It can take a lot to swallow your pride and admit you really shouldn’t have been so adamant about your request, but stubbornly insisting you didn’t make a mistake does absolutely nothing productive. Learn from it: incorporate how you felt at the time into sculpting your fantasies and be more careful when you negotiate your next scene. The main thing here is that refusing to accept responsibility is denying yourself the opportunity to recalibrate and improve future scenes.

For several years now, I’ve sought a loss of control that is as close to absolute as possible - the helplessness that is such a recurrent theme here. Whether it’s needing to know I can still be controlled even if I break headspace or deliberately putting myself in scenarios where resistance is nearly impossible, it all hinges on being unable to change my mind based on circumstance. From seeing first-hand how these changes of opinion can arise mid-scene, I’ve gotten pretty decent at limiting variables in scenes with unfamiliar or inexperienced Doms. Limiting variables results in reducing confusion as to what is an acceptable level of duress as well as helping establish what level of responses can be ignored. I’ve also learned that negotiating scenes is a walk in the park compared to finding someone with the ability and drive to wholly disregard your plight. With this in mind, I decided some time ago I place more value in a scene in which I ask for too much and am given it than one where I feel like I can walk all over the guy, even bound and gagged.

There was a particular scene a few years ago that was exceptionally difficult for me to get over; not because of how much I regretted it in the moment, but rather because it felt like a tremendous failure to communicate (or interpret) the desired “tone” of the scene. Based on my understanding of the discussions we’d had, I thought it was clear that it was supposed to be centered around a level of degradation akin to the treatment of a POW. To be precise, I thought this was mutually agreed upon as opposed to just a request or demand on my part. I’d even recommended some specific fantasies that would be so horrible while happening I knew they’d break me out of headspace and solidify my inability to deter him even in the worst of circumstances. I’d given him plenty of ammunition and he had a rather sizeable playspace in the basement, so it definitely seemed like a weekend of uninterrupted dehumanization was possible.

Prior to arriving at his house I received instructions to enter through the side of his garage. Upon entering I was to strip, hood, and handcuff myself, then wait for him on my knees without my ass touching my feet. My memory is a little hazy of this part, but I remember that the garage was not fully closed off. I couldn’t see any people, but what areas I could see felt like places you would be apt to see people, and where people could easily see me. It made me a little uneasy since I had no idea how long he’d keep me waiting, but I kind of liked that the weekend was starting off with a bit of a mindfuck. I’d read a number of fantasies when I was younger where someone happens upon a helpless boy and proceeds to take the reigns, and the memory made my dick twitch. So for a while I waited there, silent, vulnerable, and nervous, with old fantasies swimming at the back of my mind and swelling at base of my cock.

Eventually he came to grab me, and I was lead into his house. The uneasy fear of walking too fast or missing a step was something I was used to from previous scenes but, after waiting as vulnerably as I had been, every step still drove me deeper and deeper into headspace. He dragged me along to his St Andrew’s cross where he tied me securely enough I was confident things would continue to go well. The cross had never much been my thing, but I felt pretty immobile and contented. After I was secured he explained to me that his boy had moved my car, so even if I somehow managed to get my belongings I’d still be fucked. It made me feel even more helpless, and my dick jumped again.

One of the “shoot myself in the foot” things I had given him was that face-slapping infuriates me. Like, full-on rage within half a dozen light slaps. What happened next was not one of the light or moderate slaps I’d grown accustomed to in rougher scenes, but what felt like being backhanded, full-force. Stars exploded in my hindered vision, and instead of rage a wave of panic washed over me. This wasn’t a “no warmup, start out intense” kind of scene, this was turning out to be a “get a black eye literally within the first 30 seconds of abuse” kind of scene. Apparently he had taken much of what I had said about pain play to heart, and it didn’t stop there. Unfortunately for me I had also mentioned to him that slapping my dick elicits a similar response to face-slapping, and at this point he proceeded to use a harsh enough impliment to do so that my cock and balls were bruised for about a week after the scene. Before this I didn’t even know you could bruise a cock.

I have no idea how long it lasted; I’ve had scenes less than half as intense produce a time dilation effect so significant it caught me off-guard after the fact. What I do know is that at one point I remember sobbing and then screaming for help, literally, and meaning it. But the St Andrews cross held firm and the assault eventually diminished in intensity at some point after I instinctively realized screaming for help was futile. By this point I had fought so hard that my wrist hurt like hell from the struggling against a slightly misplaced rope, and I was pretty sure I had drawn blood. The crying didn’t stop, but now it was because of the issue with my wrist as opposed to the deliberate pain; it wasn’t that the pain was too severe, but rather that I felt so overwhelmingly helpless to correct it.

Had things continued along the same vein of being so dehumanized that screaming at the top of my lungs for help didn’t even phase him, it might have actually been really hot come the end of the scene. Instead I was met with conversation after this barrage, bringing me back into being myself and making me a whole person again. I felt empowered, and it largely undid the impact of what had just transpired. As a continuation of intensity, we had discussed me sleeping restrained, nude, and without a blanket, but with the conversation in between and being re-humanized it was more like being tucked in for the night. By then, the handcuffs and leg irons couldn’t rob me of feeling like myself again and any concern about waking him had dissipated.

Suffice it to say this made for an incredibly long night without a single sexualization of the situation. I hadn’t anticipated he’d have hardwood floors and my belongings were also left a few feet away from me, so things were pretty substantially different than I’d imagined. With freedom within reach, at several points in the night I contemplated using the handcuff key that was surely still in my pocket. If the intensity had been consistent I likely would have been afraid to even try; in that scenario I’d have had no way to predict how intense the punishment would be for such a serious infraction. Eventually I settled for using my clothes as a pillow (something else I should have been afraid to do), and managed to sleep for around an hour or two collectively.

The next morning the sense of normalcy continued and, instead of the desired POW-level degradation, I was treated as a boy and given enough freedom to serve him breakfast. I’m not opposed to that sort of service in a different setting or as a part of a more long-term dynamic, but after the abuse from the night prior it felt very out of place. Even more out of place was alternating from having the freedom to move around only to be “forced” to eat out of a bowl on the floor while still feeling as though I could look up, free to continue our conversation. After breakfast there were a few things that blurred together fairly uneventfully: a flogging scene during which I also broke down and cried, an easy/nice scene in a sleepsack, and some very eager foot worship. Even after being disappointed that I hadn’t been adequately subjugated, I was still elated to get a chance to service his feet. In contrast to the abuse it was more than enough for me to stay hard pretty much the entire time, and almost enough to get me begging for more.

One of the primary features of the weekend was that there was to be no “out;” no safeword, no ending the scene, no breaks. If I got too enraged or collapsed into a sobbing ball of putty, too bad for me: the scene must go on. By this point it was pretty apparent I wasn’t going anywhere despite my malcontent with the tone, and I was getting frustrated. One of the specific countermeasures to tantrums I had suggested centered around how sensitive I am about my neck. I saw a video a long time ago where, as punishment, a boy had a chain padlocked around his neck and was then aggressively led down into a basement by it; you could see him panicking as he realized he couldn’t prevent himself from being taken down. Once downstairs, the end was attached to the ceiling and pulled taut enough to make him stand on his toes, his hands clawing at the chain digging into his throat. As the Dom pulled his hands away to be restrained behind his back you could see him fighting, for real, to keep his fingers under the chain in order to protect his neck. Once his hands were secured his thighs and ass were belted and otherwise beat brutally, and he was too focused on minimizing the pressure on his throat to move even an inch. There is not a single aspect of this I would enjoy in the moment, and constriction on my neck is very likely to cause me to panic - something which seemed appropriate for punishing a particularly grievous slight. Rather than this situation being used for punishment or to exude further control over me, I was simply walked down and strung up as though it were a casual scene. More importantly, this made me feel as though he believed it was something I’d actually enjoy to some extent.

By this point I had reached the maximum level of disappointment that I could force myself to tolerate. Casually approaching the most severe punishment I could think of proved too much to handle, and within less than a minute of abuse I lost it and yelled, “Oh, yippe! You’re going to fucking break me AGAIN!” Apparently the sarcasm and rage rang clear enough to show there was no coming back because immediately after this he ended the onslaught. My hands were instead locked in front of me with a set of allen-wrench irons shaped like an ‘8,’ and the chain was removed. Still blindfolded, he led me into a standing cage and locked me in, heading upstairs without so much as a word. There was no way I was getting out of those irons, there was no way I was getting out of the cage, and there was especially no way I was getting out of his house without him letting me ... and I was done.

While I was unattended I used the time to pull myself as far out of whatever level of headspace was left, and to channel every ounce of willpower I had. Part of this included sitting down in the cage and taking off the blindfold, more or less as an act of defiance. Apparently gathering my will worked because when he walked down the stairs and I looked him in the eye saying “I think we need to call it quits,” he agreed and proceeded to let me out. As I was leaving his house I apologized to him and his boy for how my attitude had soured - truly meaning it - and set off for the road trip home, bruised and battered. I never harbored any resentment for the severity of my treatment, but I was incredibly bitter for quite some time about the purported miscommunications surrounding how the weekend should have been structured.

The important thing to keep in mind here is that the issue with the scene was not the intensity of the abuse, but rather dissatisfaction with how the weekend played out. When there is a conflict between expectation and reality, it can stem from a number of different aspects of a scene. It’s easy to understand that being beat too hard can ruin an experience, but it’s less intuitive to understand that sometimes things we view as an afterthought in fantasies can have a significant impact in practice.

There’s a difference between …

… beating a boy and training a boy,

… humiliation and degradation,

… your play partner making a mistake and regretting your own informed decision,

… service-oriented servility and dehumanization,

… a sub requesting something because they enjoy it and requesting something they dislike because they believe it could benefit the dynamic.

In fantasies, the ways these situations manifest are nearly identical without further context. A boy crying from being beat in an of itself will always be a boy crying; how that relates to the scene or dynamic is a different story. Does he receive less abuse when compliant? Is the purpose for pushing him to increase his pain tolerance? Is the Dom sadistic and expressing control through making the boy miserable? In this single instance, these are at least three different approaches that could drastically change how the sub experiences the same event; this is why in prolonged or weekend scenes observance of these subtle differences can be especially important. When we read or develop our own fantasies, it tends to just be the “highlight reels” of the interaction - the contextual nature of what is happening in the fantasy is not always apparent because what’s happening is hot and we don’t give a shit while we’re stroking. Variables like these different approaches can not only make or break the highlights, but also the times inbetween where things can be, to be frank, dull. What about bathroom breaks? Eating? Stretching? Sleeping? No scene spanning more than a few hours - and even few of that duration - will be free of monotony, but with the right chemistry and dynamic it can be manageable. Knowing how you will react in given situations may help preempt this by enabling conversations about the scene’s momentum, but simply realizing that lulls need to be discussed, pointedly, is half the battle.

Expecting your scene to be perfect or that your weekend will result in you feeling completely helpless 100% of the time can still lead to a lot of disappointment - something I surely still have issues with. While a perfect scene may not be possible, learning to actively identify differences between fantasy and reality is the best way to minimize the impact of this eventuality. The better you understand these distinctions, the more it allows you to guide discussions and make changes to yield a more positive outcome. Above all else, it is paramount to make sure you know yourself and your play partner well enough to ensure you’re both actually a part of your fantasies. Generalities might give you something more fun to fantasize about, but extensive (and often grueling) attention to detail is what will help you live your fantasies.