Thursday, December 20, 2012

Why Bondage?


I think every single person should try getting tied up and tying someone else up at some point – or several points – in their life. In this context I actually mean JUST bondage. But bondage isn’t really JUST bondage, at least not conceptually. I haven’t met many people who are exclusively interested in bondage and, while they exist, the majority of the time bondage is a stepping stone that leads to a myriad of other interests. It even works in reverse where, say, someone into over-the-knee spanking may eventually seek bondage only to enable more intense spanking scenes. I would argue that bondage is the single most prevalent part of the fetish world, in that even if it is not a primary fetish it is still sometimes necessary to enhance another idea.

Now, I post kinky photos on vanilla-oriented sites like Manhunt or Adam4Adam whenever I make a profile. Every now and then I’ll get a guy who responds to a message – or messages me of his own volition – saying “You’re good-looking, but not really into bondage,” and it irks me every time. Why? Because when they say “bondage” they mean it as described above: everything related to, associated with, or leading up to bondage. When someone dismisses something so broad they either haven’t tried anything related to it, or can’t think about it honestly because they’re attributing stigmas to it. If your aversion to kink is so visceral that you feel you have to establish you’re not kinky before even saying “Thank you” when complimented, it may be wise to evaluate why you jump to defend yourself against an “accusation” that wasn’t even made.

I generally shake it off with a quip like “Oh, you’re not into bondage? That’s okay; I’m not into sexually stagnant guys.” I’ve grown jaded due to guys who are intolerant of kink lifestyle, as if it’s “gross” or “wrong” or “weird,” all without a second’s pause to think “Wait, people DO this!? Maybe there’s something to it I don’t get?” But lately I’ve gotten to the point where I’d rather be productive.

So, WHY bondage? Why BDSM-oriented sex? The most fascinating thing to me with respect to BDSM is that a Dom/sub dynamic can function as a compressed relationship. The level of trust involved in a D/s scene is so high to begin with that it’d take months in a normal situation to even get close to reaching that starting level. There’s an immense capacity for expressing affection and gratitude, as well as respect, and when a Dom is capable of giving a boy what he needs when he needs it the connection is so palpable it may as well be mind reading. To top it off, the amount of compromise and/or sacrifice a scene can take is absolutely unparalleled. It’s truly amazing to think that some people are willing to go through agony simply for the pleasure of another.

The most IMPORTANT thing to me regarding kink (both BDSM and role-neutral interests like gear and body part fetishes), is that there are very few people who are truly, 100% vanilla. A lot of people joke about how Freud thought everything revolved around sex, but like it or not the need to procreate is still a significant portion of our behavioral makeup. The things we do in the bedroom are still who we are and you can’t just remove them from the whole you. If you suppress one part of you there WILL be ramifications, whether or not you can immediately discern them. The best thing you can do for yourself is to LISTEN to yourself instead of the slew of glaring stigmas and presumptions and stereotypes thrown at you. Assuming you’re mentally healthy, no one knows what’s right for you better than you.

Now, I don't mean to say this is an all-inclusive list of reasons to be interested in bondage or kink. There are as many opinions as there are participants, but if you hadn't been able to understand why some people engage in "sexual deviance" I hope this may have helped shed some light. Just remember: people are people; just because you don't understand something someone does doesn't mean they don't have a perfectly valid reason for doing it.

3 comments:

  1. I've never tried bondage because until recently I've been a complete closet case. Bondage porn and pics are an EXTREME turn on for me so I'm certain I'd love it. My question is how do I figure out where I fit in the bondage world? I have a pretty dominant foot fetish. I'd love to service feet, shoes, socks while tied. It'd be hot to be tickled, trampled, fucked roughly, over-jacked, and milked. I take pain very well, but I have no sexual connection to it - in fact, I wouldn't really like it at all.

    Does this mean I'm really wanting vanilla in ropes or does the broad spectrum of BDSM fit here as well?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unfortunately, I can't tell you where you fit into the bondage world. Not to sound like a camp counselor or something, but only you can figure that out. The best advice I can offer is don't stop at WHAT turns you on, try to figure out WHY it does.

    As for not wanting pain in a scene, there's nothing wrong with that. If you find your interests in trampling, tickling, or foot/sneaker/sock service is grounded in humiliation I'd strongly advise not completely ruling out pain since humiliation sometimes needs encouragement. If it turns out it's ONLY because you really like feet, then I doubt you'd need pain in a scene to begin with.

    Whatever the case, you've definitely got enough things that you're curious about to start exploring. Just toy around with it and see what sticks and what doesn't, then move from there. Might take some time but you'll find your niche, just don't expect to immediately.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have been fascinated with being bound, gagged and helpless for as long as I can remember, long before I ever heard the word "bondage.". Over the years I estimate that I have spent a total of 155 days bound and gagged. As to why some of our good friends "aren't into bondage;" I suppose that's why they make Fords and Chevrolets: Differences of opinion.

    ReplyDelete