"This Isn't About You"

Believe it or not, almost two months later I'm still decompressing some of the things that happened at IML. It was a very densely packed weekend, and it seems like the surge of experiences still hasn't slowed down due to pride month and birthday-related plans.

The most significant thing was actually a random occurrence at Pride North involving a girl who I initially thought was just a drunk mess, but seems to have tied everything together. She came up and started talking to me and my friends, almost with tears in her eyes, and was telling us that despite the fact she was walking around with a gay pride flag that she wasn't gay, that she just wanted to show support. I try not to be judgmental, but it was a little off-putting until she explained why she was feeling so intensely.

It was a little difficult to hear due to the noise, but from what I gather apparently a lot of people had been complaining about how stupid they thought pride was and that they refused to participate for that reason. Appalled, she had told a few of them "This isn't about *you.*" Her voice started wavering as she was recounting this to us, and she went on to explain that people had suffered and died for our right to do this and that even if you don't like it you owe that fact respect.

What made this significant for me wasn't just witnessing such a genuine expression, it was how widely this principle could and should be applied. There's a lot of negativity directed towards different events or different groups or different circles for various reasons, and it needs to stop. There are way too many people hurting because they feel afraid to be who they are, and anyone attempting to create something where people can stop feeling afraid and unwelcome deserves support, not scrutiny.

This isn't just about being gay, this isn't just about sex, this isn't just about kink; it's about creating a culture where people can be themselves to the fullest extent and we can't do that by failing to support each other. Even if you don't like something or someone, consider whether it is actively helping more people feel okay about themselves before you jump to expressing negativity towards it. This kind of kindness can spread, and is spreading; we all just need to put more conscious effort towards it.

To sum it up, I'll borrow a quote from Sense8:

“For a long time, I was afraid to be who I am because I was taught by my parents that there’s something wrong with someone like me. Something offensive, something you would avoid, maybe even pity. Something that you could never love. I was afraid of this parade because I wanted so badly to be a part of it. So today, I’m marching for that part of me that was once too afraid to march. And for all the people who can’t march… the people living lives like I did. Today, I march to remember that I’m not just a me. I’m also a we. And we march with pride.” - Nomi

There are countless people just like you, and for every moment spent mocking an expression of unity another person slips back into being afraid to be who they are. Consider that before you breathe more negativity into the world.

Extreme Reactions

I've watched a good bit of porn in my day, and my favorite videos always involve really strong reactions. A lot of sadists can get off on something simply knowing how it feels to the sub, but for me I want to see someone forcibly losing control of himself. Doesn't matter if it's him whimpering in frustration over being edged, screaming in agony, laughing hysterically from tickling .. as long as I know he can't stop his reaction any more than a puppet can stop its mouth moving, I'll be hard as a fucking rock.

There's a lot more to read in a boy than his vocal protests, but there's something special about that particular reaction to me (though I do find a silently clenched jaw sexier than any scream). People naturally speak at pretty consistently the same pitch, so to hear the pitch change and waver and break just happens to be an exceptionally sexy look into where the boy's head is at to me. The way the guy in this video breaks from yelling pretty loudly to a pitiful sob, to screaming in a panicked manner? Yeah, the internet needs more videos of this caliber.

college jock captive part 6 powered by XTube

Post-CLAW Thoughts

Since the first time I attended, CLAW has been my favorite event. People who go to IML seem to have greatly varying interests in going, from circuit queens to "tourist" types to people who just go because of its notoriety to those who go only for the vendor mart. When you're at CLAW, there is an overwhelming sense of community, love, and family, and you see the way the people involved not only want to be there but want to make it better; people willing to trade debauchery for community-building and responsibility - not that there isn't room for a little of both. I missed CLAW last year, and after a reminder of how much I love it I truly hope to not miss another in the foreseeable future.

In addition to the feeling that people are actively invested in bettering their community, you also see that they are interested in bettering themselves. This is apparent by how extensive their education efforts are, and how earnestly people attend these classes instead of treating them like a novelty or a quick demo as they sometimes do at other events. This year I was fortunate enough to be able to attend Master Taíno's class on Power-exchange Relationships. As most of you know, I think a lot about BDSM-related endeavors; I don't just randomly participate in them. While a lot of ideas that were discussed were conclusions I had drawn some time ago, hearing someone else independently draw the same conclusions was not only self-affirming but empowering. When reflecting on these experiences and possible exchanges, I try to think in abstract terms to make it easier to share thoughts with others. Unfortunately this sometimes results in forgetting that I'm a part of the equation. As I watched my friends all mulling over the weekend through various social media portals, I began to realize how all this abstract thinking has challenged my ability to cultivate an identity.

My friends and I joke a lot about how I primarily identify as submissive, and it seems to be a common line of ribbing among "switches" and their friends. While my ambitions certainly fit my identity as submissve my experience, statistically, does not. I've sought a level of play which very, very few people can deliver for nearly a decade, and I'm only just realizing that the need for such an intense level of play is a result of this identity conflict.

The issue seems to be that ego and dominance can become conflated; it's easy to see dominance and ego as nearly the same thing sine they both stem from what appears to be an elevation of self. This form of ego can be taking pride in being right more often, in knowing more, in understanding something better, making more money, etc. What occurred to me while attending this class is that ego more closely resembles being true to yourself, not simply asserting what or who you are. What I am is a person who strongly desires intimate connections of any kind. Unfortunately, for years the ego I feel in being sure of myself had been mixed with the concept of dominance, just by how my culture perceives power and ego. This can make it very difficult to express submission since being unable to assert yourself can feel like giving up who you are due to this conflation.

I've written a lot in the past about controlling unwilling subs, ranging from simply being reluctant to becoming enraged in protest. Depending on the situation, this is most likely due to an imbalance between what the sub wants and how badly the sub wants to relinquish control, which can be related to the above mentioned conflation. After all, if someone thinks giving up their desires means letting go a part of who they are, of course they'll be less likely to do so. For me this relinquishment is the nature of the connection, and I had been too busy focusing on asserting who I am instead of being true to who/what I am. If that seems too subtle, it's the difference between attempting to control a perceived identity as opposed to actually having one. Unintentionally, this has really helped me understand what a lot of bisexual friends must have went through and many others still are.

To make a long story short, I'm slowly realizing I'm capable of deeper submission than I knew I was capable of, and it's primarily due to this weekend. Even better, I've already had a scene since arriving home that confirmed this suspicion. While this was largely intended to help me deconstruct some thoughts, I really hope this ends up helpful to anyone struggling with similar issues .. I don't presume I'm the only one, though it's entirely possible I'm just exceptionally dull in these matters.

Thanks for an unbelievably amazing weekend, everyone.

Best. GIF. Ever.

I've been needing some sub time lately, especially with heavy bondage. Then this gif shows up and about breaks my brain, especially the one placed on his forehead. Really need to break out the spineboard.

Birthday Wishes

Just turned 28, and have been thinking about how big of a dry spell this year was. Really hoping to find some heavier play and intend on actively attempting to. Plus I've got a few people I want to visit - including a certain someone who wants to force me into being a pup unwillingly - so hopefully at least a trip or two will manifest soon. Take a guess as to which one was with him in mind. ;-)

The Sadism Spectrum

There's a lot confusion about the various titles subs identify as. A large part of this, I'm sure, is that identity isn't always aligned with the status quo; sometimes connotation can really skew what a label means to an individual. A common example would be newbies throwing the term "slave" around because they think it's just the standard term for "anyone submissive," or just because they think it's a sexy term. I feel like the same discussion doesn't happen as often in identifying Dominants. From what I can tell it stems largely from the concept of sadism being a blanket term when it is more of a spectrum. After my last post on sadism, I figured it's fairly easy to break it into four different levels:

Non-sadist - pretty straight forward, these individuals are uninterested in anything sadistic. Even edging someone to the point of frustration may be out of their purview. Generally they may be more interested in geary sex or may only be interested in tying a boy up to get him good and horny before getting him off or fucking him.

Sadomasochist - I realize this term is already in use, but I feel it's better-suited to differentiate from other degrees of sadism. Specifically, under this definition, sadomasochists enjoy inducing pain only in those who directly enjoy the pain. They'll spank a guy or beat his balls as roughly as a guy wants as long as he stays hard or is otherwise clearly enjoying it in the moment, not after. If a bottom stops enjoying it, they stop enjoying it. Sadomasochists are more likely to prefer dynamics where both partners are equals except for who's physically restrained or being subjected to sadism.

Dynamic Sadist - pretty much a sadomasochist that favors unequal dynamics. They usually still enjoy inflicting pain that the sub directly enjoys, but have no problem pushing well past a bottom's level of enjoyment if he fails to live up to his expectations. This is where sadism stops being about the moment and a sadist starts to derive pleasure from the bigger picture that sacrifice can paint. The easiest way to depict this level of sadism would be someone saying "This is going to hurt me more than it'll hurt you." The sadistic pleasure is still there, just not rooted directly in what's happening at that instant.

Absolute Sadist - this is where a sub's direct enjoyment does not matter to the Dom, and as such is also where the lines of consent can seem blurry. Consensual nonconsent as a concept does not exist to some, but even to those it does, lines can get blurred rather easily. Dynamics heavily relying on this level of sadism tend to be less based on fairness, and more on exploitation. Provided that a bottom actually wants to be exploited to that level, it can yield a healthy, consensual, and intense dynamic. An absolute sadist does the things a dynamic sadist would do without direct enjoyment, for no disciplinary reason, probably while sporting a raging hard-on. Anyone discussing play on this level needs to make absolutely sure they do so while clear-headed, as overstating what you can handle can lead to considerable mental trauma.

Using this logic we can attempt to better isolate where different sorts of bottoms fall in the receiving end of this spectrum.

Of course this will vary specifically from bottom to bottom, but the very concept of certain labels may be directly contrary to a given level of sadism. "slave," for instance, would generally indicate the desire to have as few rights and privileges as possible, so a non-sadist would likely be unable to deliver. "boy," on the other hand, is a very amorphous label given staunch differences in the protocol each boy seeks or adheres to, so the term doesn't yield much info on who may be viable tops. On the other end of the spectrum, "bondage bottom" dynamics don't often extend beyond the scene, so they're very unlikely to tolerate or handle absolute sadism given the level of inequality it requires.

Ideally, looking at potential partners through this spectrum should let you ask questions to determine where they stand.

Random Artwork

This first picture is pretty much one of my favorite illustrated concepts. I'd posted a while back about one of BullManX's photos that visually demonstrated the difference between a boy and a slave. I love the way this drawing does that too, especially the unrefined bottom seeing what he's going to be turned into. In line with this same concept, I really love the artwork out there that centers around the fantasy of a boy-factory, that breaks willing or unwilling men into boys or sex-slaves. The second image is super-hot to me from a kidnapping and conditioning standpoint, in that it definitely reflects the hopelessness and helplessness of those sorts of fantasies. As for the third image, it's one of the only ways I'd ever consider watersports beyond getting pissed on: completely immobilized and unable to even attempt to move away. At that point, even hulking out wouldn't make one bit of a difference. The fourth and fifth kinda speak for themselves; the one is just a simple but evil predicament bondage position, the other is literally the most clever use of a double-sided gag I've ever seen. 

Detachment

Detachment goes hand-in-hand with stoicism. How are you supposed to remain stoic if you become overly sympathetic? I'm immensely sadistic, and sometimes even I have to take deliberate measures to disregard a boy's plight if I'm taking him especially far. The easiest way for me to process it is to treat it like having a POW - except this person is actually electing to be dehumanized in some manner. If you have a good enough relationship with a boy to push him to that degree, it really can mean actively ignoring sympathy in order to further the dynamic. It takes some work on both parts, but once the boy's headspace is there it can be both incredibly hot and fulfilling.

The Shock Collar (Part 1)

I showed up to his place with my dog shock collar on the underside of my balls, a padlock making it so I couldn't take it off. With the prongs digging in, I also couldn't exactly just pull it off like a cockring. It was going to be a somewhat casual scene, no real intended atmosphere or overtones. He loved having his feet worshiped for really long periods of time, and I knew I usually get bored with it after about 10-15 min or so - maybe 30 if I'm insanely horny. The goal was to have him see how vigoriously I worked my tongue while I was actually into it at the start, and shock me any time my tongue slowed down. He wasn't that used to D/s dynamics so me being free meant if I got super annoyed with it I'd find a way to talk myself out of it, so I brought a sleepsack so I couldn't possibly escape and a hood, well .. just for fun.

The rules were simple: slow down, I get shocked. Stop licking, I get shocked more. Try to talk or protest, the intensity gets turned up a notch and I get shocked until I shut up. At no point was it to ever go down, so it was bound to make me weigh any objection more carefully. Also, it was very clear that the collar was only to be used for these corrections, not random sadism. It conveniently had a "high" and "low" button, so it gave him more wiggle room to correct me.

It started well enough, me stripping down and then getting into the sleepsack and hood, which had a large mouth opening so he could still easily make use of my tongue. I knew he had really hot feet and was already hard by the time I was getting into the sleepsack, and he gave it a few strokes as I started positioning myself. As I was getting in he left the foot zipper undone and kept my feet out which seemed strange given the simple nature of the scene, but I didn't really think anything of it. Once I was secured, he gave me a shock - presumably to test how strong I had set it. I grunted; he was breaking one of the rules a bit, but it was understandable. Then he shocked me again.

"FUCK!" 

I was more than a little pissed at the flagrant disregard for the rules, and already wanting to call it quits. If I weren't in the sleepsack I'd have tried to walk away to find my clothes.

"This is NOT" *zap*

I yelped, loudly. He had fucking followed one rule while breaking another, turning up the juice. I was gritting my teeth and breathing heavily, probably sounding like a bull about to charge. Then I feel his foot in my face. "Fuck that," I'm thinking, and keep my jaw clenched.

*zap*

Jaw still clenched, breathing heavier now and making sure to not give him the satisfaction of a grunt or yelp.

*zzzzzap*

Even holding it for a second or two was painful enough for me to get to licking like a champ. I must've looked almost like a dog lapping at water I was licking so intensely, the adrenaline from the shock causing me to be a bit over-zealous. After a minute or so he pulls his foot away and I hear him walk off. When he returned he clamped a pair of forceps on my nipples. I grimaced a bit since they were a little firmer than I was used to, but not unbearable. That is until he tied my toes together and then attached them to the forceps, pulling as taut as possible. I actually whimpered a little because I really wasn't expecting anything like that from what we'd discussed.

*zap*

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Just reflex, I couldn't help it. I hear the remote click up another notch.

*ZAP*

I start to panic a little because the remote's already higher than I thought it would get even later in the scene. Instinctively, I start trying to struggle my way out of the sleepsack despite it being impossible. Now I can't even bend my legs to inchworm away since it pulls the forceps. Fuck. He puts his foot back in my face and I hesitate due to a mixture of anger and simply being overwhelmed.

*ZAP*

Back to licking like a champ. Fucking asshole. Worse yet his feet are so hot I'm getting hard again and can't stay angry because of it. He keeps me licking for a good 10-15 minutes or so, then decides he'd rather edge me.

"Let me know when you get close; that's the only time you can speak," the first thing he's said since I was hooded.

He'd gotten me horny enough servicing his feet that it didn't take more than 45 seconds or so to get close. I really wanted to get his feet back in my face since I hadn't gotten bored with it yet, and that also drove me getting there so easy.

"I'm ... " *ZAP*

His hand comes off my cock as he shocks me, and I completely lose being close to orgasm. I couldn't even finish saying "I'm close," for god's sake. I'm breathing pretty heavily at this point because I know what this means: basically, me speaking as I get close is like I'm pressing the button myself. He must've repeated this at least two or three dozen times, at which point I'd whimper and almost sob any time he touched my cock, knowing it'll invariably lead to me being shocked. If I could speak I'd be begging profusely .. not even to get off, just for him to not edge me any more and leave my cock alone. 

Eventually, instead of just zapping me he holds down the button and keeps stroking. I couldn't help but scream "NO" several times like a yapping dog, and I felt the charge increase as he continued to hold the button. This was enough to make me incapable of forming words and it changed instead to a guttural howl. 

When the charge subsided, my balls were empty and my body was able to relax. My nipples also got a bit of relief from my knees pulling as I fought. I'd figured he might end up being a bit more vanilla and, despite how intense he'd been so far, had an inkling that this might be the end of the scene. At the very least I sure as fuck didn't have any desire to have his feet back in my face any more .. and then that's exactly what I got. I at least had the good sense to start licking instead of being stubborn, but

*ZAP*

"Not good enough," that's what that jolt said. "I don't give a shit if you think you're done," rang clear with that jolt. I lost track of how many times he ended up shocking me, but it felt like it was about every fucking 5 minutes that I'd lose steam worshiping and get shocked. It was hellish .. this thing that I would normally love being turned against me, morphed into this tedious marathon I hated. And there I was, stuck worshiping his feet with no way to stop or even speak out. Indefinitely. Fuck.

Sadism 101

Everyone has hobbies; some people collect trading cards, some build models, some grow plants .. I, myself, prefer to grow sadistic Doms. Over the last few days I've been fortunate enough to have a random, unexpected in-surge of curious newcomers. When dealing with Dom-curious guys, one of the most common queries presented during scene negotiations comes after we discuss a bondage position that suits their capabilities: "Okay, then what?" Due to the rapid succession, I realized the conversation from there goes pretty similarly  so I figured inexperienced, Dom-aspiring readers - or better yet, anyone looking to take on my hobby - may  find a more general overview to be useful.

So what next?

Whether or not you intend on pursuing a sadistic side, it's important to figure out what gets you physically hard or mentally pleased. When it comes to sadism, the strongest satisfaction usually comes from the recipient's reactions as opposed to your own actions, in that an action obviously does not indicate the recipient's mindset. Without this input, I'd argue it can't even properly be regarded as sadism. The only real way to find what pleases you is to experiment - if you've jerked off to any bondage porn, odds are you have at least a rough idea. Barring a labeled, exhaustive list of every fetish, I can only go over a few activities that are more likely to elicit given reactions. Much of this may seem self-apparent at a glance, but it's logically deconstructing separate reactions and levels of intensity that don't often occur to people naturally. Even if you have some experience as a sadist, if you don't quite feel you've found your  niche it may still be a good exercise.

Disclaimer: the text below assumes a proper scene negotiation has occurred, discussing limits and expectations at length. If a sub has not expressed they wish to explore masochism, they are not the sub to test these ideas on.

The simplest and easiest reaction to pursue is directly pleasing a boy - most notably getting him hard. This can be as common as edging, or as uncommon as a specific fetish/trigger like ball-crushing. It's sometimes a little difficult for non-sadistic tops to play with masochistic bottoms, given that what they directly enjoy is not aligned. If you're uncomfortable administering pain, just gauge how hard the boy is and whether he's getting harder or softer in response to any sort of pain. Bringing this to a sadistic level, just show him  you can give him what he wants to an overwhelming degree and then take it away from him abruptly; in no time  he'll be begging for it - perhaps literally - all without ever actually doing anything unpleasant.

If you've gotten comfortable with that, the easiest way to start moving away from directly pleasing a sub is to make his body want to respond reflexively. Since there's usually not much of a mental component to muscle reflex, it's easier to test the waters without jeopardizing any headspace the boy may be in. Wax, short/fast bursts of cbt, tickling, certain electro not attached to the sub (cattle prod, violet wand, etc) and most  things sharp and sudden are great ways to get a guy's body to fight unintentionally. A blindfold greatly  assists here, so a boy can't brace himself to control his reflexes. Predicament bondage is also a great way  to slowly get a sub to struggle somewhat, given the constant need to readjust - not quite the same as a  sudden jolt, but an unconscious sort of movement. This may sound more advanced, but anyone with some rope and an overhead hook/pipe/eyebolt should be able to work out something safe and simple, like a boy on his back with his wrists elevated by rope tied to his balls.

From here it's easy to progress to something like grunting or instinctual verbal protest. Prolonged nipple play, slow cbt (vices, IcyHot, clothespins, etc), or TENS unit-like electro boxes are great for this. Anything that builds intensity linearly is a prime choice, since you can control intensity in a more  calculated fashion. After a while predicament bondage can also work for this, as he transitions from  naturally readjusting/struggling for sustained comfort to actively needing to choose between pain/discomfort in one place or pain in another. At this point we're still eliciting something rooted mostly in  reflexive responses, but we're starting to bring the boy's head into it.

By this point if you still derive enjoyment from tormenting the boy, you can try pushing him to a state of   willful resistance. Virtually anything is suitable for this, it's just a matter of finding out what a sub is frustrated by or actively dislikes. For instance, while I enjoy some cbt I truly hate having my cockhead slapped; while it's not a limit, it's a quick way to frustrate me since I can't control my body's reaction and my brain thinks and hopes every slap will be the last. This may be a specific act or more likely a level of intensity. Either way, most subs who are subjected to something they dislike or are frustrated by will eventually become obstinate and willful. Anything that causes a sub to attempt to mitigate his reaction is probably a good start, since he doesn't want you to notice how it substantially it affects him. At this point there's no question: the boy's mind is fully engaged in some form of dislike for what is occurring, which is  unquestionably sadistic.

These reactions should be adequate to serve as a means to show you more specifically where you should focus to move forward. Even if you don't directly enjoy a particular reaction, experiencing it can help you sort out what dynamics you might be suited for. If you're not at all interested in directly pleasing a boy, you might not find much use for bondage bottoms who do not engage in D/s dynamics since they will likely expect it. If you don't enjoy making a boy willfully resist but were comfortable taking him there, then you might enjoy a rules-oriented D/s relationship that utilizes corporal punishment. Whatever this initial experimentation teaches you, it should put enough in your toolbox to start building the dynamics that will allow you explore further.