Friday, September 23, 2016


Recently I had a discussion where a Dom was describing a scene he felt involved a potentially questionable breach of consent. A boy he was playing with requested he be allowed to suck him off mid-scene, and the Dom was happy to oblige. When the scene had concluded the boy texted him after leaving, indicating that he had never intended to swallow the resulting load. After a bit more prodding, the Dom I was speaking with confirmed that at no point did the boy protest being made to do so. Personally I feel that this Dom did nothing wrong, but when you add new activities within a scene based on either party changing what they want at that time this is always a risk. There are ways to preemptively reduce such a possibility, but it takes an awareness of what changes are apt to occur within a given scene.

My hard limits list is rather extensive and thought through; I have the experience to understand what is and is not something I can accommodate as well as the experience to know what is relevant in most situations. That being said, there are still soft limits that I may place for a specific scene that, in the heat of submission, I may expressly request once things going. For instance, as averse to anal sex as I am there have been scenes where I’ve asked to get fucked once the scene got going. Regardless of experience level sometimes the chemistry is better or the scene hotter than expected, and these limits may cease to be prohibited as things develop.

When starting out in kink, it is the most likely time to find yourself in situations that are unpredictably hot. Everything is fresh and new and you have nothing to use to estimate how you'll feel about an unfamiliar situation. At this point in one’s experience, it is naturally very unlikely to know what potentials exist that could result from a change of heart. This makes discussing limits based these potentials impossible, while potentially causing problems as it did in the scene I was discussing with this Dom. Any Dom has a responsibility to try and steer discussions to touch base on anything he has in mind, even if the activities are not planned as a guaranteed part of the scene.

Here are a few starters that are surprisingly easy to overlook when players are more focused on growing their BDSM side than their sexual side. This could range from a D/s scene primarily around objectification and boot worship to a bondage scene meant to only involve edging.

  • Is oral sex permissible?
    • Giving, receiving, or both?
    • Under what conditions?
  • Is anal penetration permissible?
    • What implements or toys?
    • Anal sex?
      • Penetrative, receptive, or both?
      • With what protection (if any)?
      • Under what conditions?
  • Is fluid exchange permissible?
    • Which fluids?
    • Through what acts (e.g: pissing in mouth but not ass)?
  • Is pain play permissible?
    • To what level of intensity (e.g: only okay if still hard)?
      • Is a safeword necessary?
    • Are marks acceptable?
      • In what location(s)?
    • Are any types of pain or areas of impact off-limits (e.g: no CBT/TT but spanking okay)?
    • What implements or tools are acceptable?
  • Do you have any physical limitations for service or bondage?

The vast majority of people engaging in BDSM will be interested in a level of sexual encounter and/or pain play to some extent, however minimal. As such, these are important things to touch base on as “what if’s, unless already specified as limits. Even assuming interest in these common items is an unfair presumption, so it is important to clarify if you plan on trying to maximize the flexibility of a scene. Anything beyond this list is substantially more individualized and should be specifically addressed prior to trying it in a scene.

It can seem a bit daunting to feel like you need to discuss literally every fetish with a person (there are checklists for this if you want to go that route), but a lot of things will naturally rule themselves out. For instance, if your scene is simply supposed to be having someone tied spread-eagle to your bed, presumably you wouldn’t need to discuss watersports (assuming you want a clean bed), suspension, or public nudity. Keep in mind where your interests in a partner lie and - even if the possibility is miniscule - be sure to isolate and discuss any specific interests that could be feasible to explore, even if they may not be the focus of the scene.

1 comment:

  1. I would add one that I had not expected: kissing.

    Once when I was tied spread-eagled, the dom spent a lot of time kissing me, and I went along with it; but I was discovering I didn't like it, and wished I had ruled it out beforehand.